Not Perfect, Just Present: Advice from a Former Foster Youth
May is National Foster Care Month and is the time to recognize the challenges faced by youth in foster care and to honor the families, caregivers and advocates who support them. As someone who has experienced the system firsthand, I want to share some advice for those opening their hearts and homes to foster youth and perhaps encourage to take the leap into fostering.
First, it’s important to understand there is no one-size-fits-all experience for foster youth. We are like thumbprints —each of us unique in our stories, emotions and coping mechanisms.
Every young person impacted by foster care has a story that has shaped who they are and how they behave. When you welcome a foster youth into your home, you’re not just offering them a place to stay; you’re stepping into their world often filled with instability, fear and loss.
Many of us have developed survival instincts to cope with the unpredictability we’ve faced. Some youth lash out as a form of self-protection. I, on the other hand, tried to be perfect, believing that if I was good enough, I wouldn’t be abandoned or hurt.
Integrating a foster child into your family is an adjustment for everyone. Be intentional about including them in family activities. Show them they are truly part of the family
Communicate. Open, honest dialogue builds trust. Talk about expectations, boundaries and feelings. Walking into a stranger’s home is terrifying. Life has already been unpredictable for us, but you can create a sense of stability by simply communicating with care and clarity.
Take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Recognize your limits, set boundaries, take breaks when needed, and work through any of your own emotions or past trauma. Fostering is an emotional journey, and your well-being matters, too.
Be trauma informed. Educate yourself on mental health, childhood trauma and how it shapes behaviors. Foster youth have experienced significant hardships. Dismissing their struggles or expecting them to “just get over it” can cause extreme harm. Understanding their experiences allows you to support youth effectively — recognizing their struggles are not about you, but about what they have endured.
Don’t take it personally. Just like anyone going through difficult times, we may cry, shut down or lash out. It is not about you. It’s about what they are feeling.
In my first foster home at 8 years old, I often cried because I missed my family. I had just lost my dad and was grieving. But my foster parent took my sadness personally. They kept asking if I wanted to leave. I told them no; I just wanted to cry. They didn’t understand, and I was removed from the home.
I still remember that pain, feeling like my grief made me unworthy of staying. Foster youth don’t need someone who takes their emotions as a personal attack; they need someone who allows them to feel, without judgment.
Life in foster care can feel like being lost at sea — no sense of direction, just a vast ocean of uncertainty. But you have the power to be a lifeline: a compass offering guidance, a life raft providing a safe place to catch our breath.
You don’t have to be perfect or have all the answers. You just have to be willing to show up, listen and care. Sometimes, that alone is enough to change a life.
If you have ever considered fostering, I encourage you to take the next step. Attend a free virtual information sessions or call 1 (888) MY-YV-KID (699- 8543) to learn more.
If you cannot be a foster parent, there are many other ways you can help us connect with families:
Spread the word! Inspire others by sharing stories, like this one, with your circle on social media. Someone out there might be quietly thinking about becoming a foster parent — you never know!
Connect us with your church, employer or local business: Many groups are looking for meaningful ways to give back. We’d love the opportunity to speak or host an informational meeting about the need for foster families.
Donate to support the meaningful work being done to support young adults aging out of foster care.
Michalann Clark uses her lived experience to inform her advocacy efforts and works as a child welfare assistant. She also is a LifeSet Scholar with Youth Villages, where she strives to make a lasting impact on the foster care system.
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